Before addressing the Brett Kavanaugh part of this discussion, which is long overdue, I would like to begin by clarifying that this article is addressed to gentlemen and not simply all men. Yes, there is a difference and the difference is meaningful. All boys grow into men, but not all men grow into gentlemen. Notice the breakdown of the word: gentle-men. Though gentleness is not a trait that some men will readily embrace, I would argue that it is a virtue that men must embrace if we are to become whole. Gentleness does not imply weakness, in fact there is a power implied in the very concept. Gentleness is the choice we make deliberately in the face of other options.
What does it mean to be a gentleman?
Living into the role of gentleman means that we must both acknowledge and embrace our power and privilege. I know some men will cringe at the word privilege, but to deny it is also to deny our strength and our ability to operate to our full potential. I am a white male who was born in the richest country in the world. I also happen to live in Austin, one of the fastest growing cities in the world. For me to deny my privilege would be like me denying my zip code. It would be a lie and, moreover, it would be a shame.
Why is this not addressed to all men?
I would not endeavor to write something that will resonate with all men, so I am tailoring this to those who aspire to the label of gentlemen: flawed men who can own up to their mistakes and powerful men who can acknowledge their power and find ways of using it for good. If you are male and see no privilege or power in your very existence then this is not for you because it will not get through your invincible shield of self-denial. I hope and pray that you will someday see the importance of your role in the modern world though this may not be the day. But if you are a courageous man who is up for the challenge then let's begin.
Why is this important and what does it have to do with Brett Kavanaugh?
As I write this the Kavanaugh nomination has not proceeded and while it looks likely, there is still much in play. Regardless of how this plays out I am writing to begin a conversation and hopefully lay out a road map for you, my fellow gentlemen, so that we might play a vital role in this awakening that is unfolding in our political landscape.
While I do not know Judge Kavanaugh, I do know a big fat lie when I see one. The approach of, "deny, deny, deny" is the road Kavanaugh has chosen and this is unfortunate. My background is in clinical psychology but it doesn't take a professional to know that he is lying about certain specific details:
- "Renate Alumnius" is a vulgar and false boast
- "Lifting weights" on Friday night is code for drinking
- "Have you boofed yet?" - another vulgar sexual reference
Under oath this man unconvincingly lied about each of these and more. Even if I did not believe Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's testimony (which I emphatically do) these denials would give me pause. Why deny entries into a yearbook if you have nothing to hide?
Tears of Shame, Not Guilt
I identify the tears of Kavanaugh in this hearing as tears of shame, meaning they are shed in embarrassment for the things he is being accused of. Kavanaugh is crying tears because of the shame he feels this has brought on him, his family, and the office he aspires to. I do not see any tears being shed out of guilt for the pain of Dr. Ford. I would also submit that they are tears shed for the old way of business, when boys would be boys, even if that meant that girls become collateral damage. The standard approach of the patriarchy is no longer being tolerated and I predict many more tears in the months and years to come.
What can I do as a gentleman?
You can start by acknowledging that there is a massive problem. I would label much of what has been considered culturally acceptable as evil. When naming evil I rely on Fr. Richard Rohr's model. First we ask the question, "where is the love?" Then we look for our part. After doing both of these things only then may we point out evil in the world.
Where is the love?
Let's begin by asking this very uncomfortable question. Where could love possibly exist when considering the topic of sexual abuse and the culture that supports and obscures it. Earlier I referred to Kavanaugh's tears as tears of shame and not guilt. What I will not deny is that he does love his family and wants to make them proud. He is a high achiever who has risen to all but the highest court in the land. Kavanaugh is not incapable of love. He has hopes, dreams and has known fear and heartbreak, just like you and me.
This is a vital step in the work of naming evil. When we paint bad actors as monsters we put them at arms length, denying that we could ever be capable of such behavior. We are all capable of great evil and we are all guilty of perpetuating rape culture - both in what we have done and what we have left undone.
What is our part?
Here is where the real work comes in. We must acknowledge that each and every one of us is culpable in perpetuating a culture where women are abused and remain silent out of fear and shame for years - or even a lifetime. Each and every one of us has participated actively or passively in activities that deny women their humanity for our own selfish gain. If we thoroughly search our conscience we will likely recall things that are unpleasant. We must not run from these memories. And we must also acknowledge that there may be things we do not remember but are nonetheless guilty of.
Judge Kavanaugh may actually not remember the evening in question. But, instead of acknowledging that he was part of a culture that celebrated black out drinking, which he most certainly participated in, he chose to paint a picture of wholesome fun with no dark side whatsoever.
We, as gentlemen, must ask ourselves if any of our actions are imprinted indelibly on the hippocampus of any woman. And if they are we must be willing to atone, even if that means we are no longer eligible for positions we have spent our lives working toward. It is the absolute least that we can do.
Now we must speak up
There are many courageous voices in the media right now and they are all almost invariably the voices of women - women who come forward with everything to lose and nothing to gain but the hope that their stories might bring about some societal change.
Like these women:
The courage of Ana Maria Archila and Maria Gallagher emboldened Jeff Flake to ask for a one week delay so that the FBI may investigate the recent allegations. The problem with this picture is that these women, with no obvious position or power were the ones spurring those in power to act. This picture must change.
Speaking up will rarely happen on the national stage, most opportunities will occur in daily life. When your friend uses a gender-specific slur, call him out on it. He may not appreciate it but he will probably listen. Sometimes you don't even need to say a word. When a woman tells you her experience, listen to her. A gentleman is a good listener.
True power in vulnerability
These courageous women wielded the only tool they had at their disposal: vulnerability. But it also happens to be the most powerful tool that there is. We, as gentlemen, must embrace this tool as well. When we bring the weight of our privilege to bear on behalf of the women we know and love - and women everywhere - we may make ourselves vulnerable to the label of 'hypocrite'. This is the risk of embracing vulnerability, but the rewards are so much greater than any risk. The reward is belonging. The reward is being part of a community where everyone can pursue happiness and one in which we as men can look in the mirror without looking away.
Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
- Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
Not a secret society, a beloved community
Being a gentleman does not mean being part of a secret society. Being a gentleman means living fully in the beloved community as we were always meant to live. Yesterday and today I have seen many powerful men express both anger and bewilderment. It's as if the world they are seeing no longer makes sense to them. Maybe that's because a world where women do not have an equal seat at the table is not a world that ever made sense in the first place. Perhaps what we are seeing emerge is a world that is more gentle, perfect and just. This is the world I wish for my wife and teenage daughters. This is the world I wish for my infant son. This is the world where I want to belong.